Novel out now

First self-published:

Living Their Dream

A hateful insight into this mediocre world 

Her first date

I - I'm a bit nervous...it's my first time..

He - Could you be any more melodramatic?

A short laugh shared, and some layers of the icy tension are shredded. Am still not entirely comfortable being here... in this not-so-elegant restro-bar with this not-so-cool seeming guy. Yes, a guy I'm meeting for the first time.

As the cigarette between my fingers dies and cries, I ponder if backtracking would be sensible... safer? With each falling flake, I drown further into this confusion.

Some part of my brain is politely exchanging small talk with him, some is busy screening the people nearby hunting for a known face; the rest of my brain is still debating.

The worst case scenario from the worst possible outcome results in me committing suicide, the best possible outcome is having a great orgasm.... Life is all about tough decision making 'eh.

He - So where do we do this? You wanna go back to my...

I - No.

He - Okayyy... Yours?

I - No.

He - Then what? How?

Am too busy evaluating him, his expressions, his answers; to actually reply. Searching for something on his face, I stop at his chin.

The answer had been infront of me all this time...

How could I have been so foolish! So naive... So ignorant!

I - You always keep a beard?

He - Yea... mostly. Am a beard guy...

I - It's really well shaped

He - Yea, a very tedious task.

I - You trimmed it today? Before coming?

He - Haha, yea. Just for meeting you.

I - But it's November!

He - So?

I - He who shaves for a woman, deserves neither.

Satisfaction

Was it you?

Was it you?

The one I needed?

The one I wanted?

The one I….

The dying moments of our love

Of this escapade

This poetry

That we created

This music

That we shouted

This writing

That we painted

Those dying moments

Showed me and you

Us…

Us…

The discarded petals

Of a fallen flower

The wasted drops

Of a vintage liquor

The trashed floor

Of a forgotten temple

It showed me

Showed us

Why were wrong

Why this was wrong

You were not my need

But a luxury

Not a desire

But a dream

For the moment I loved you

Was the moment my love died

And I stand here satisfied

But hollow on the inside.

Life Curve

Every man knows. 

What he is capable of, what he is worth, what he would end up as, when he would die....

Some could be ignorant about it, other entirely ambiguous, but most are clear. As clear as the sky after rains, as clear as the ocean without a breeze, as clear as the forest after men are through...

I am one of those.

My body is no temple, it is no pious sanctuary. A God resides in it, yet my vessel is a crumbling submarine. 

The curve of my life, has been worse than an ECG chart, up down down down down flutter up down down.....

I have always believed life is entirely a learning curve, a course to experience, to try, to acquire as much as you can in your puny brain. And not just knowledge, not just ideas, but memories, thoughts, impressions. 

I have felt more than my share I fear, experienced hell and heaven, tasted more sorrow and joy than most others combined, all this and still in my mid 20s. 

Now, I realize that I have sped up my life chart. The experiences are not only milestones but accelerators. The more you go through, the faster you want to go, the quicker you're through. 

Would I be disappointed? Should I be? Have I been the greedy kid who slurps up his ice cream at one go and then eyes the others around him hungrily...? Have I robbed myself of the most luxurious of amenities available to humanity, the luxury of time?

My narcissism, my arrogance, denies. Nothing can reduce my stature. Nothing can diminish my existence. Or is it the other way around? Is it my arrogance and narcissism that has forced me to take this path of thought, a hypothetical presumption to answer future failures?

I cannot answer. 

I will not answer.

But I will tell you this...

If I live, I will rule

If I don't, I will die.

Seduction

Tip toes she does, into my abode

Stepping in delicately, sans any rush

A single glide, through the silk

Now she stands, portraying on the drapes

A figure of beauty, essence of ecstasy

A source of radiance, image of poetry

Stringing on her lightly, a delicate thread of temptation

Her loose gown, flows down menacingly

Concealing little, yet hides it all

The cloak of a mistress, the bodice of a lover

A sight of pleasure, taste of desire

A fountain of sparkle, noise of Angels

Closer she steps, each one a glided performance

Enthralling me for eternity, scintillating each moment

Like a petal falling from a Rose, whisking in the air

Her locks wave behind her, dancing to a tune

A signature of perfection, moment of elation

A writing of romance, painting of summer

Crouched on my bed, a look of seduction defines her

She teases me sensuously, taking me further

And then throws me back, more with pleasure than touch

Now atop me, a devilish smile appears

A statue of creation, light of Creator

A ray of winter, touch of fear

Dancing on her lips, a sparkle on the red

Something on those curves, a secret to be told

They part now to reveal, intentions that are cruel

As one hand covers my eyes, blinding me from vision.

It rises onto the skies

Falls deep into hell

Lingers on the surface a lot

And then again it rises

(Or does it fall once more)

Only to stop midway

Somewhere between the skies and earth

Where no good can ever may

Floating above the depths

Shrieking amidst the grey

A thunder of loudness bolts

And stops before you can face

And again it begins the ascent

(Or is it a decline, Oh pray)

To only fall back 

Somewhere in the interlude

Lost in the hush of surround

Only to begin a whisper

And soon into a sound

Like a baby it grows

Evolving into this mammal

As it guides it successor to pinnacles

It never could surmount

But you do not know that

You may never guess

For a symphony contains a million shouts

But only one that gets the applause.

EYES OF DOOM

 What is this infinite depth

You conceal beneath those eyes

Of what mystery they lead the way

That someone would have to hide

Your lashes like charging spears

Threatening if long I stare

But still your eyes so tempting

The risk has its worth to take

Of what do they seem like a gateway

An entrance only few can make

The treasure that behind them lays

Must be worth any life one can take

Your vision ever changing

Glancing all around for your prey

Inviting with your deep dark eyes

Calling with that endless stare

One says he saw in them heaven

Another claims they reach to the moon

Different people claim different sights

None of them to the truth near

For in your eyes, you’re not hiding

It’s something that you’ve locked

Your eyes of doom

Your eyes are doom.

Confessions

With a dying breath of my last smoke

My glass is almost empty

Is my life crumbling

Or am I just being paranoid

I close my eyes and wonder

How I ended up on this shore

On this hill that opens to the seas

Where lava flows out of waves

And demons onto feet my cringe

I smile to the demon in front

A monster of smoke that here floats

Is it one or plenty I know not

Where am I, am I lost

The last of the ice plate melts

It dies to save my sip

A few bubbles rise from the depths

Of angels that on it perhaps lived

…I stare deep into my glass

This hollow tube lush with mystery

For it gives me aid to continue

But takes away the path to flow

A sharp beep breaks my flow

Not inside or out it grows

Lingering on the skin of my skull

It claws at my life and more

Is it the demon calling out my name?

Has my time in this realm come to end?

But the smoky dragon is long gone

As ashes it rests in front

Could my glass be howling at me?

The last sip has been out for long

Does it claim its’ host to rush

Down it now I must?

I shake my head in disgust

What have I been reduced to…

Slowly I breathe in these shallow corners

Where darkness only should survive

Head bowed down I gaze up

There is no one in front to stare

Just blank and dark and gloomy

Life has no more shades

The door on the right is afar

The window on the left weld shut

People outside are even more worse

Jealousy hate and disgust in them burst

I reach out to grab on support

In the emptiness nothing lies

My accustomed hand reaches the glass

As a single drop rolls down the outskirts

Shame

Oh heaven you may fall

Into the pits of hell

But my sin would still be greater

Deeper than the oceans heart

Just look into my folly

And then you will feel

This disgrace I have earned

For eternity now my curse

Angels on this day will cry

The idols of god will bleed

For a future sun has fallen

Perhaps never to return again

The realm of my illusion

Today finally cut open

I see my meagre affinity

Towards the cosmic hub

I see now these black birds

To mock my soul they come

And howling my mistake out loud

In this infinite suffering am shut

My head bleeds out of ache

The beating of my heart abrupt

For I cannot bear this failure

It only cuts me up

Nothing will ever ease

This is forever going to last

A lesson very painful to learn

Makes my eyes red and numb

VOICES

This one was ranked at #56 in an international competition, which had over 800 participants.


I can hear this noise
Floating in the air
Like a whisper of the unknown
It middles in my thoughts
Shouting at my peace

Staring at my joy
Envying my hatred
Justifying my fight
Of what this is a curse
Or maybe just a boon
I have no idea
Nor any clue
Only that I feel it
Deep down in my soul
Favoured by my thoughts
Yet opposed by my idea
It’s humming on its own
Like a cracker when it bursts
It explodes into a scream
Only to be nulled
By my very own vision
In see it in my eyes
Staring back at me
How I wish this was a lie
And only a dream in my sleep
But nay, the voice croons
It dares me to listen
For its only disturbing to envision
But death when I listen

Conversion

Hovering over my dead body

I see you dancing to no tune

What death means to you

I could never think

You stare into my eyes

I have no expression to return

This stoppage pains me

I wish to float with you

Just like a lie can cut

I lie here so open

Without nothing to stop you

I am your poor minion

An empty space on this floor

I am no drug for you

Will you ever feel me once

I doubt this only dream

Yet you turned me into this

I just don’t see why this you’d do

Surrender to Hell

On this pedestal of death I stand

Searching for my end

No fear now left to live

The end is now my friend

I close my eyes and whisper

To the depths of highest orders

Smite me down you now must

Turn these muscles and bones to fodder

My eyes dried up off tears

Blood now it starts to weep

Not fear or pain the cause

Just something inside deep

How did I end up here

To what I owe this grief

To answer an eternity is less

The questions although so brief

I whisper once again

Hear me Oh’ lord of silence

Take me now your captive

Your prison my ultimate penance

…And finally I open my eyes

There he stands a mighty knight

Not different from what I’d dreamt

Yet such a strange sight

Kneel in front now I must

A warrior’s end I seek

He hasn’t moved an inch

Yet suddenly so far and bleak

Oh but what a fool I’ve been

The devil is a crooked player

My surrender brands me a coward

No longer he’ll heed my prayer

My existence ends up a waste

A lifelong struggle thrown away

I fought for hell so long

Now drown in heaven’s bay.

Literature

Writing is not about framing words, rather stringing thoughts you can't say in verbal

Retirement

This will be my one last fight

And then I’m gonna be history

I’ll try to reach all those heights

And then there is no victory

I will testify my greatness and might

And free from expectations I will be

Into the pie of victory I will bite

And then from a distance I’ll see

The torch of my rule I will light

And then in another hand it will be

All darkness I will turn bright

And then to pay I have no fee

I will chase away all my frights

And then scared no longer I will be

All loosen bonds I will now tight

And then away I will be

Just let me win my one last fight

And then from this life I will flee.

Untitled / Incomplete

I lay in the darkness

Waiting for the end

Praying to my lost god

Don’t help me one more time

I look to the skies, the oblivion high

The sun as usual shining bright

It’s like a mocking sign put up

To ridicule my miserable life

Always for the end I craved

Wished to die sooner than later

Now I hear my doom approaching

I reconsider, my thoughts I clear

Kill God

The angels hunt me down

Demons track my soul

Hiding in this human town

I remember my life’s one goal

A creation of the enlightened darkness

I had defied my own masters

For me no one was his highness

My mission was to be a martyr

My master’s hunter, the gothic angels

Are nearby, I sense them

My former army, now a stranger

If only I could save some of them

The devil is now the commander

And god himself the knight

Of this alliance I am the binder

But if only they could see the right

The pretty demons the hideous priests

Fire at me, at their will and accord

But I don’t care ‘bout these beasts

Good or bad, I’ll kill God

Disgrace

Lost beyond these words

I see what you won’t believe

A mind disfigured by grim

It is evil yet serene

For society an existence ceased

People can be so cruel

Trekking on this treacherous sheath

In winds of poisonous tears

An adolescence lost to pain

A teenage that wasn’t there

This age old misery reminiscent

Of why this life is a failure

The uncoloured part of a rainbow

A pilot drowning in depths

Some words better left unsaid

This sarcasm of god bitter

Like the blank page of a diary

A pretty face scarred and burnt

Some roots don’t grow any trees

They only rot in dirt

Playing this tune devoid of rhythm

Beating doors with broken hands

Screaming pathetic to myself

I break down and succumb to fear

The Dream of Love

In this dream that I saw

Me and you together

Singing in the rain

Under the cloud cover

Not marred by the cold

But enjoying our warmth

Feeling the numbness

Shearing the pleasure

Holding our both hands

Looking in to your eyes

Searching for your gaze

Yet blankness I discover

Looking straight through me

Undermining my existence

Like a brute odd force

Separating our relation

Oh then do I realize

That it is not true

For in reality

Through me straight you won’t look

This is just a nightmare

A cold play memories me, fool

For in real, you are dead

Never to be in vision

My Nights...

I’ve spent nights

Dreaming of you

Thinking of you

How I would touch you

How I would feel you

I’ve spent nights

Speaking of you

Hearing of you

How I would see you

How I would like you

I’ve spent nights

Yearning for you

Crying for you

How I would love you

How I would please you

But now that I have you

I have no nights left.

Eyes of Doom

 What is this infinite depth

You conceal beneath these eyes

Of what mystery they lead the way

That someone would like to hide

Your lashes like pointing spears

Threatening if for long I stare

But still your eyes so tempting

The risk has its worth to take

Of what do they seem like a gateway

An entrance only few can make

The treasure that behind them lays

Must be worth any life one can take

Your vision ever changing

Glancing all around for your prey

Inviting with your deep dark eyes

Calling with that endless stare

One says he saw in them heaven

Another claims they reach to the moon

Different people claim different sights

None of them to the truth near

For in your eyes, you’re not hiding

It’s something that you’ve locked

Your eyes of doom

Your eyes are doom.